Hey Guys! First of all, I have to say thank you so much for all your comments in my last few posts. You have all made it known that I am not alone in this fight. I hope that I am able to return the favor or pay it forward someday. Seriously, thanks.
I’ve been spending the last week being really gentle with myself. I have not given myself too many or tasks or duties as to not overwhelm myself. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I got here, to this deep dark stupid pit of depression. I’m not sure what triggers it, or how I can actually attempt to participate in life like it’s not happening to me. I know that I’m not honest with myself when I begin to feel it creep in – I think that if I just keep one foot in front of the other I’ll get rid of it. The unfortunate fact is that if I don’t address it immediately, it sticks to me like a dumb shadow and it will take over.
I pretended like it wasn’t happening until I hit that low, low, desperate point. I’m thankful that a supportive, kind man married me. Although I’m stubborn to admit that the depression is happening, the second I finally let Jeff know how low I’ve gone, he’s there with a shovel to help me dig out. I trust him, and I trust when he says we’re going to get through this. Just knowing that I’m not alone makes everything seem a little bit better.
Thankfully I’ve been feeling much better over the last few days. For the first time in weeks I had interest in looking at decor and catching up on design blogs. Depression can be so numbing that you don’t even realize passion and excitement is missing from your life. It feels really good, and really reassuring to feel that part of myself being woke the fuck up!
I know it sounds a little dumb and saccharin to go straight into a post talking about fall weather and feeling cozy, but actually having those sensations feels so incredible to me right now that I have to share. Having slowly tidied up the house over the last few weeks I have become re-inspired by my home. I realize that when my home is clean I feel safe and secure. All these are big feelings to me in light of what happened next door to us a few weeks ago.
Unexpectedly, I am in love with Target’s fall home decor offerings – they are kind of nailing it with those urban cabin vibes, and I can’t deny how much I like it. Maybe it’s the flannel and plaid reminding me of my grunge roots or maybe it’s the cozy cabin vibez. Whatever it is that’s drawing me to it – it is inspiration for this safe and secure home that I love, and that feels good.
Oh, and on a little side not, because I am just realizing I never officially wrapped it up. Our crazy neighbor was arrested (facing two felony charges) but is currently out on bail until his next court date. Thankfully, the court put a clause on his bail and he is not allowed to go near the house, which means he is not allowed to go near our house! It’s anticipated that he will have to go to prison for some lengthy amount of time. All this gives us some peace of mind.
Glad to hear you’re doing better. Depression is a monster.
I’m obsessed with the new Target stuff, too! I’ve had to resist buying it all.
I know, it’s so good. Target is tricky too, some of that stuff goes so quickly that I feel like I have to keep stopping in so I don’t miss any of it.
So happy to hear that you are noticing stylish decor and thinking of cozy comforts. That has to be a good sign.
Thanks for this round up – that brass lamp from Target! Gotta have that!!
Sally
I know! For awhile there I was avoiding brass and then I bought this brass candle holder and put it in my living room, and now I’m all like, “Brass!”.
Yay! I suffer with it too, and I also find having my home feel as though it’s a comfort and sanctuary is so important. The entire process of tidying, organizing and styling is one of those things over which I can have control when I’m not always feeling that in my actual head. And when all I want is to be wrapped in a blanket, it’s a least a view that pleases me when nothing else gets through. I’m also glad that there’s some good potential resolution to the neighbor issue and should make you feel able to feel secure in your own home.
I agree Juliet, I think home is so important for me too. I totally let it go throughout the basement renovation this summer and that didn’t help anything. It’s all about the control for me too – I’m glad to know that there are people out there who feel like minded about tidy spaces and PMAs.
Sweet friend, I love you so and I’m proud of you for working so hard to combat the SADZ. You know I feel you. BTW’s just got this at Target and I luvs it! http://www.target.com/p/copper-candelabra/-/A-17344550#prodSlot=_1_60
Yeah bro! I saw that too and I really liked it. They have lots of good copper stuff right now!
I just snagged that black and white buffalo plaid throw from the Faribault Mill Store for 40% off!
Yes! How did you find such a deal? You are going to love cozying up to that.
Boy, I know exactly how you feel. I suffered for a long time before I found out that a big symptom of depression is actually that numbness and lack of interest that you describe perfectly. Sometimes it’s not even feeling “sad,” necessarily; it’s just being completely unable to feel joy or excitement. I have two young kids, so it is especially bad when it starts to kick in… they shouldn’t have a zombie for a mom.
Anyway, I finally bought one of those Happy Lights, and I pulled it out this morning. I’m going to use it consistently and see if it helps this winter. Good luck to you.
P.S. I can’t believe they let that guy out on bail?????? WTH